IN MEMORY OF KAYLA AND ASHLEY- HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Seventeen years have passed yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. They say that time heals all wounds. I don't believe that. I know that time softens the wounds,but never fully heals. The scar always remains.

Kayla Nicole and Ashley Elizabeth were brought into this world on Nov. 15th, 1990. Kayla was the first to come weighing in at 16 ounces. She was immediately returned back into the arms of God. Ashley followed next at 12.75 ounces. She then joined her sister in HIS embrace.
I was 20 years old and had a very difficult pregnancy. I was always in pain and my body began to swell. My pregnant belly began to grow much to rapidly. The doctors attributed this to having twins. They were wrong. I had massive polyhydramnios. They tried to drain some of my fluid. They gave me an option to kill one baby and MAYBE the other would live. Honestly, there was a little part of me that considered this. I knew one was a girl and I so desperately wanted a daughter. Of course we decided against this. After a month of medical testing and consults from out of state doctors, there was nothing left to do.
My labor began. I can still hear the tiny heartbeats on the monitor. I can still hear the gushing sound as my water broke a nearly flooded the room. I can still hear the silence in the room as they did not cry.
I remained in the hospital for many weeks to follow. I was allowed to leave for the funeral but had to return. I endured so much ( I will tell more later). The day I returned home Billy who was then 4 asked me where the babies were. I just started to cry. He never asked again.
** I remember one day sitting on my front porch and looking up toward heaven. I needed peace but could not find it. I cried out from the depths of my soul "Why, God why!" I was always taught not to question God, not to ask why. But this single word question burned in my throat, ached my heart and soaked my face with tears. After all these years, I still do not know why-but I do know this--
Had it not been for Kayla and Ashley's death I would not have had the blessing of giving birth to Aaron. Aaron who I held and never let go when he was born. Aaron who swells my chest with pride. Aaron who is at the top of his class, a gifted and talented child.
I also would not have had the blessing of giving birth to Austin. Austin who came into this world tiny and frail. Austin who is growing to be the most kind and caring human. Austin who would give you the shirt off his back or his last dollar.
These are the greatest blessings I have received admist all the pain in suffering of losing the girls.

Dear Kayla and Ashley,
Happy Birthday! This would be the year that you would graduate high school. I can't image what you would look like in your caps and gowns. I can't image how much fun we would have had picking out your prom dresses. Would you pick the same one or be totally different? I miss you so much and still cry every year on your birthday. I wish I could just hold you for one more minute. I know you must be very happy now in the arms of Jesus and I can not wait until the day that I get to see you again.
Love, Mom
mom0f4boysandtwingirls! :)

Here is a poem I wrote all those years ago
GOD PLANTED A NEW FLOWER TODAY
TWO ROSE BUDS READY TO BLOOM
THEY WERE SO SOFT AND DELICATE
BUT THEN HE DECIDED IT WAS TOO SOON
HE TOOK THEM BACK TO HEAVEN TO GROW
HE KNEW THEY NEEDED HIS TOUCH
SO WHY, OH WHY I WONDER
DOES ALL THIS HURT SO MUCH?
I KNOW THEY ARE HAPPY NOW
AND ARE WAITING FOR ME WHEN I DIE
DEAR KAYLA AND ASHELY PLEASE KNOW I LOVE YOU
AND THIS IS NOT OUR FINAL GOODBYE.

Thanks for joining me for a memory of my precious daughters. Please visit tomorrow for my Show and Tell with Kelli http://kellishouse.blogspot.com/ I will be showing some very special items related to the girls.